


close-mouthed

by chiiibiiichan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Letters, M/M, POV Ushijima Wakatoshi, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27019000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiiibiiichan/pseuds/chiiibiiichan
Summary: Ushijima's letter to Sakusa Kiyoomi and what he could've done.
Relationships: Sakusa Kiyoomi & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sakusa Kiyoomi/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Kudos: 10





	close-mouthed

**Author's Note:**

> based on a prompt from twitter by hq rarepair quote bot

Sakusa, 

You once told me that I could have anything that I could ever want if I just asked for it. 

For someone who tries his best to avoid himself from people as much as he could, you value their help greatly. I think that's made you a great player, a person, in general. You know when to ask for help, know where you are stuck, and when you make a mistake. 

I've been with you for a long time to memorize the idea that you don't give up easily. Once you dedicate yourself to something, you'd pour your heart out. You'd waste your time, your energy, every bit that makes you yourself, you give it to that something. When I realized this, I was amazed by you, because I've never met someone as passionate before. At this point, I wish I could've asked you. 

Like you are, I like being alone. I like being by myself because I'm my best company. It took a while of our friendship to let me realize that I enjoy being with you than I do with myself. We were always just quiet, and I don't know you very much away from the court and volleyball, but I learned that you hate getting your sleeves wet. I learned that you hate the rain and the puddles because you _hate_ the feeling of wet socks. I learned you hate the color orange but loved the color of pumpkins. I learned that you do yoga when you wake you up and before you sleep. I learned that you listen to Dizzy when I accidentally pulled the chord of your earphones and I heard the song, Joshua. 

I like to think that I'm the only one who can read your indescribable face, that I'm the only one who knows that when you furrow your left eyebrow, it means you're hungry. Or when you crinkle your nose, it means you're trying to remember something. Where everybody finds you difficult to understand, I wouldn't say yes because I do. Because I know you. 

Perhaps I know you better than I do most people. Perhaps for you, I'm the one who knows you the most. And when I realized that, I wish I could've asked you then. 

I vividly remember recalling what you said during my last year at Shiratorizawa. In my last game, with people that I came to enjoy being with as much as do I with you, during the finals game against the Karasuno team. We were getting beaten, which was a feat, and I needed help. For the first time in a long time, I needed help and my team gave me it. The funny thing was, I didn't really ask. You never told me what was to say being given what I wanted without asking for it. You never told me that something like was possible. 

You found out about that loss and sent me a message saying, "Guess I wouldn't be seeing you in nationals this year.". There weren't any consolations, no sorry's or words of comfort, and it's just so _you_. So inexplicably you that I was so mad because we didn't win and I couldn't be seeing you that year. I wanted to see you that year. I wanted to call you and tell you all about the feeling of loss after winning so much and that I really, _really_ wanted to see you. But I didn't, and I just said good luck, but I wish I did and maybe I could've asked you then. 

When you told me you were going to be playing for MSBY, and I told you I was going to be playing for Adlers, there was a feeling in my chest that I couldn't understand. But it was familiar, it was a feeling that I only felt when I was with you; a sudden bloom of warmth in my chest, a sudden surge of energy that travels all the way down to my fingertips. When we played against each other, it thrummed all over my body. 

You were amazing as ever and I was excited. To see you like that, to play with you like that. You could've taken my heart if you hadn't already had it. You were always across from me, we were always facing each other, and I like seeing you, Kiyo. But when I saw you and Atsumu Miya, I wish I could've turned my back. 

I prided myself in knowing you even though we weren't always together, I prided myself in knowing what you look like for anything, but when I saw the way your eyes glittered and your face softened, that was a look I have never seen before. A look newly crafted for him. I realized you loved him then, and I wish I asked you. 

I don't say much to you, I don't ask much from you, and _you said I could have anything I wanted but I just couldn't say it out loud_. I couldn't say it was you that I wanted. I couldn't ask you to give me a chance, couldn't ask you to pour your heart out to me. In a sense, it's my fault. I had a lot of opportunities and time, but I just. Couldn't. I endured loving you in looks, in close-mouthed whispers, in thoughts, and in dreams, because honestly? I was stuck wishing because I didn't know how to ask. If I just knew how to, you could've been mine and not his. I would've been the one you'd kiss after a game or before you go to sleep or when you ask for help to roll up your sleeves. 

You know, I like to fool myself that at some point, you waited for me to actually ask you. That may be the reason why you told me that, was for me to take it as a sign to tell you that I never wanted anything more than I ever wanted you. And I'm sorry if this foolish and indulgent thought is true because as much as I carry myself with courage and bravery, I was clueless in this game. 

To make up for the years that I didn't say it out loud; Sakusa Kiyoomi, I love you. I've been in love with you. I love you then and I love you until now and only until now, because tomorrow I will wake up and empty my heart of you, out of respect for yours. 

Don't be a stranger then, Sakusa. I'll still be your friend.

Yours, 

Ushijima


End file.
